


Betraying Heaven

by muserdex



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Relationship, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Insecure Crowley, Light Angst, M/M, PTSD, body conscious, no sexy times for these guys, poor crowley honestly, ptsd themes later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-07 18:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19474861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muserdex/pseuds/muserdex
Summary: These angsty ineffable husbands really need to let off some steam. Its been hard for them.





	1. Chapter 1

Ineffable. The Ineffable Plan. God's Will. Did any of this mean anything anymore? Or did it mean everything? As Crowley and Aziraphale dined at the Ritz, as Adam continued his humanity, as Heaven and Hell left everything as it is- this is the question that was pondered. What is ineffable? This outcome certainly couldn't be. The Ineffable plan couldn't be this... domestic. Harmonic. Maybe Gabriel had it wrong, maybe Michael was a fool – maybe this was nothing close to the ineffable plan at all – maybe it was what Crowley said, heaven and hell against humanity. Maybe it was the way Crowley looked when he slouched on that bench, smiling at me and tempting me, his words not mine, as he had for, well, the past 6000 years. Could we be the ineffable plan?

At least, this is what Aziraphale had been pondering for a while now. The waiter poured another glass of champagne , certainly not the last, and both of them had become increasingly more comfortable in the presence of the other. This was the first time they'd come here – though Aziraphale had suggested it some 50 years ago – at the end of the world that wasn't. It was nice. Crowley had ordered angel cake with a smirk on his face, and they had been sharing little nibbles for some time now.

“So, what else did you do inside me?” Crowley took another nibble as Aziraphale choked his out. What frightful phrasing.   
“I'm terribly sorry I-” Crowley was laughing. Bastard. Aziraphale took his napkin to wipe the spluttered remains of his namesake cake, and adjusted himself.  
“Well I... you know, I got into the delightful holy water bath and had a bit of a splash around – tragically missing a rubber duck I must add, have I mentioned I made Michael get me a towel! Truly hilarious!”  
“You have, Angel.” Aziraphale diverted his gaze, with Crowley slightly leaning in. He knows his angel is hiding something. 

You see, Crowley is a demon. Demons have, arguably cooler, but more... invasive powers than a typical Angel would. As it so happens, when they switched back, Crowley made sure to take some of Aziraphale's memories – he rarely did something like that, but he needed to know. He was nosey. He wanted to make sure his reputation in Hell was upkept, and that Aziraphale portrayed him perfectly. He was proud of his Angel for being a perfect little actor, but he was also intrigued. Very intrigued. He didn't think his perfect little actor would strip him down. 

“But anyway, I gotta say, it feels kinda weird to be wearing the jacket you soaked in holy water.” He didn't make eye contact with Aziraphale. He didn't have to – he knew what he was doing. He saw Aziraphale's legs shift slightly in his peripherals, and hid his pride in his glass of champagne.

“Ah. Yes. Truly, haha. Well, you see, about that little detail...” Crowley had never seen Aziraphale's eyes dart around so frantically before. Huh. Kinda cute. He leaned in closer and placed a hand on Aziraphale's thigh. Aziraphale paid very close attention to it. Crowley's face was slightly under his, and the comfortable gap was closing. 

“I know what you did, Angel. That you took your chance when you had it. I like that. Something I would do if I had the chance.” Aziraphale's breathing had steadily quickened, and he swallowed to steady himself. He flashed a quick smile at Crowley, who quickly pulled back and took another sip, another nibble. They sat in a sort of acknowledging silence for a while, Aziraphale staring vaguely into the distance with his palms firmly in place on his thighs. Crowley broke it.  
“Well – I suppose we should probably pay the bill and go, now. No more angel cake left. Lift home?”  
Aziraphale flashed another smile before looking down again – he did a lot of that when he was nervous or somewhat intimidated – and conjured up the money for the bill. Crowley repayed the favour with an ear-to-ear grin, finished his drink, and left for the car to let Aziraphale take care of the pleasantries or whatever.   
When Aziraphale entered the car, Crowley sighed.   
“Talk to me, Angel. Please? Preeeeeeeeeeeeetty please?” He was doing his cute pout thing but, for Aziraphale, well, it just wasn't the fucking time.   
“You took my memories, Crowley.” Crowley played with the steering wheel.  
“That's an invasion of my privacy and you know it! Just because you can steal from me whenever you want doesn't make it right! I thought this was obvious! Do you even respect me! Or am I just another playth-”  
“Aziraphale. You're being hysterical.”  
“I'm being hysterical! You're being cruel, Crowley.”  
“That's kinda my fucking thing, Angel!”  
“Oh so that's it then! I should just let it go because it's your “thing”?! Quite frankly you're very immature and your abhorrent behaviour is-”  
“IM immature? You're being a drama queen because I looked at a couple of memories, Angel. It doesn't matter.”  
“Do I matter to you, Crowley?”  
They both paused. Aziraphale looked on the verge of tears. Crowley took off his 24/7 sunglasses to reveal his serpent eyes. He wasn't happy.  
“What kind of a question is that, Aziraphale?”  
“'Cause sometimes it feels like I don't matter and you don't respect me, Crowley. I'm very upset. Do I matter, Crowley? Do I mean anything to you?”  
“Aziraphale I- Where is this coming from? 6000 years growing side by side with eachother on this planet and you think you don't mean anything to me? Azi-”  
“I just want an apology, Crowley. I feel betrayed and the last couple days honestly haven't been too fabulous and I just-” His head was in his hands. Crowley heard a sniffle and that was it.  
“Aziraphale hey, hey, hey its okay. I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry okay? I just wanted to know for selfish reasons and it was stupid and i'm an idiot stupid snake and i'm sorry. Come here, please. Please Aziraphale.” Aziraphale gave in and lay on Crowley's lap, still slightly sniffling.  
“You're my angel, Azira. Its us against the world – and beyond. I'm always here for you, no matter where you are. You're my beautiful, beautiful angel...” Crowley was softly playing with Aziraphale's hair. The last couple days had equally taken their toll on him but – well – he was a demon. He learnt to keep things in. Protect himself. He knew it was different for Aziraphale but he didn't know how much he was truly hurting. It broke his heart. 

“I thought i'd never be able to get back to you, you know that?”  
“sorry, Angel?”  
“When I went back to heaven. I swore, you know? I said, I said the F word. You must understand the ramifications of an Angel using curses. I was so scared. I thought maybe, maybe i'd be forced to fight you, or, or they'd lock me up or burn me when they found out about us. I was so scared, Crowley...”  
“I understand. I understand, Angel.” He kissed his head ever so slightly. Aziraphale curled up a little more into Crowley's not-so-comfortable lap.  
“I felt much the same when I saw your bookshop... all in flames... I couldn't find you. I thought i'd failed you. I thought those bastards in heaven got to you before I could. I stayed in there for a while. I screamed for you. I thought i'd lost my rock in this shit universe. You know I was talking about you, right?”  
“What?”  
“When you talked to me and I told you I lost my best friend. Obviously I was talking about you. Look how shitfaced I was...”  
“Oh.” Aziraphale went to go wipe his nose with his sleeve but hesitated. Crowley conjured up a tissue for him.  
“Um... Crowley? Can we, you know, if you wouldn't mind...” Crowley snapped his fingers again.  
“We're here, Angel.”

The warm feeling of the bookshop came over the both of them, and Aziraphale was still in place in Crowleys lap, who now relaxed into the sofa. Aziraphale sat up.  
“Im... truly sorry, Crowley”  
“What are you on about?”  
“I.. sort of... exploded on you in the car, and it wasn't right. It wasn't. I'm sorry I put you through that. I can assure you I shan't ever-  
“Aziraphale. Shut up. Are you really apologising for being emotional? The last few days were tough, for everyone, especially for us. It's probably healthy for a being like you to get it out or you'd turn into something like me.” Aziraphale offered a faltering smile. It was all he had.

“I want you to listen to me carefully, Azira. Very. Carefully” Aziraphale hesitated. He was sort of automatically scared of Crowley – he sat up a little straighter, and struggled to maintain direct eye contact. Crowley, in return, scooted closer and held Aziraphale's hand, dutifully placed on his thigh as always.

“God- Wait fuck. Not Her. Just- ugh fuck. Whoever higher or lower is making this very hard right now”  
“Crowl-”  
“I love you, Aziraphale. Like, shit. I love you. I am in love, with the angel, directly in front of me, right now. You. I love the hell outta you” He lightly prodded Aziraphale's chest, who was definitely panicking right now.   
“I-um-well- you see, there's not much hell IN me, so that's-” Crowley rolled his eyes and pulled Aziraphale's face closer to his. He kissed him. It was, well, violent almost. Lustful. A relief. A 6000-year-build-up. A necessity. A craving.   
Aziraphale was wide-eyed for a fair few seconds before reciprocating. He moved their hands onto Crowley's lap and closed any minute gap there may have been. He closed his eyes and took a fistful of Crowley's short hair. He ditched the whole hands-on-lap plan and cupped Crowley's face. His very own demon. The kiss broke off at Crowley's doing, who grinned into Aziraphale's lips a little while longer before pulling away. Aziraphale instinctively brushed off the invisible dust on his suit.

“Heavens. Well. It seems...” Crowley cocked his head to the left a little.  
“It seems I may be madly in love with you also, Crowley.”  
“Weeeeeeelll I never said maaaaaaaaaaaadly in love with you”  
Aziraphale raised his eyebrow a little.  
“Fine. We're MADLY in love. An Angel and a Demon. Who'dve thought, eh?”


	2. Lying For/To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First days of the rest of their lives..  
> of how Crowley and Aziraphale try to live in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some PTSD themes here and borderline alcoholism  
> i was listening to complicated by Avril Lavigne during this one so you can probably see that influencing this lmao

Crowley had left rather quickly after their shared moment. He claimed he needed to tie up some loose ends before they were to truly settle in, and Aziraphale took delight in the idea of checking all the not-burnt books, especially the new additions.

The truth was that Crowley could hardly cope. He had his free seconds to take in the feeling of Aziraphale attached to him, but, just for a moment, he swore he could smell the burning again, and he saw the fire on his eyelids. Surrounding him. Shaming him. It had only been mere moments since he made his remark about their love, but he was already up and moving, and it was almost impossible for Aziraphale to not notice Crowley's shaking hands. 

“Oh, Crowley, heading off so soon? Somewhere to be?”  
“Uh... yeah. Demon stuff. Hell's probably still got it out for me somehow – gotta check all my flanks, I guess. Bye, Angel.” Already out the door. Hm. Aziraphale mumbled to himself.  
“See you later then, I suppose.” He somewhat trusted Crowley, in any case. He just hoped Crowley could trust in him too.

At first, Crowley didn't go far. He leaned against the wall of the shop, trying to steady his breathing. Was it my fault? Could I have done more? Did any of that have to happen? If it wasn't for fucking Hastur maybe I could have been competent. You're a shamble, Crowley. You saw how upset he was – that's on you.  
He slammed his fist into the wall. He was pretty sure it was gonna leave a bruise but, honestly, who cares? There's no point healing it. I probably deserve it anyway, he thought to himself.

His next stop was home. He couldn't think straight. God, he felt so guilty. It made him feel sick. He steadied himself in his desk seat and conjured up some absinthe. Liquid comfort. Strong liquid comfort.

It was weird for Aziraphale to be living life as he always had. Treating customers to book recommendations, happily indulging his own personal interests and scouting for the next rarities. It was all so pleasantly normal. Sometimes, throughout the day, he would trace his lips delicately with his fingertip to remind himself of Crowley's presence there, and shyly smile to himself. He'd been truly yearning for that since 1942. The last time they were that close Crowley was shouting at him for calling him “nice”, and honestly, it was worth it. Now, he had the taste of him, and was hooked.  
These pining thoughts turned to worry however, when it was deep into the night and Crowley still hadn't contacted him. He didn't want to seem too clingy, they had spent decades, sometimes centuries apart in the past – but Aziraphale knew they were different now. He truly worried. In the blink of an eye he was at Crowley's front door, and he heard that all familiar sound of far-too-loud 80s music. Normally he'd hear Crowley's perhaps-not-great singing to accompany it, but now he heard nothing. It was so loud yet so, so deafeningly quiet. For some reason, Aziraphale knocked. He knocked louder. He cleared his throat, and politely knocked as loudly as he could. Nothing. He waited, and then he broke in.

“Angellllllll!!! Hey!!!! Seee look, I almost made it to the door! You, young sir, should be a bit more patient-”  
“CROWLEY?! What on EARTH are you doing? Oh, for heavens sake, get up!”  
Crowley was slouched on the floor in the doorway, legs outstretched, bottle in hand, glasses off, drunkenly swaying his head as if it weighed an absurd amount. God, it smelled in there. Aziraphale was pretending not to see the piling bottles in his peripherals.  
“Crowley what is going on? Oh please talk to me. Please explain this to me.”  
“nonononoo lets sit. Sitting is cool. Sitting is the cool kid thing. Sit doooown Aziraphrugh-” He was heaving. Aziraphale had never felt so distraught in his life. Sure, they'd shared countless drunken moments together or he had walked in on Crowley drunkenly singing Queen, but nothing like this. Not this bad. Oh Crowley, why?  
“Crowley why haven't you made yourself sober? You dont have to feel so awful, you aren't a human, you can fix this.”  
“Dont wannnaaaaaaaaa Ziraaaaaaa, hey remember when we kissed? Can we do that again?”  
Aziraphale sighed. Whatever this was, it was bad. He decided to kneel over Crowley's legs and cupped his face, stroking gently. Maybe the soft approach would work?  
“Do you want to tell me what is going on, dear? In that head of yours, to make you do this? Oh, my precious...” He was going to try to comfort Crowley, but was unfortunately interrupted by the need to jump back, as Crowley was now beginning to throw up. Aziraphale just conjured up a bucket, snapped his alcohol away, and waited it out. 

“Did you know, Angel? That's the sixth time that's happened! Going for the record, baby! Hang on, the fuck you do to my alcohol! You horrible bitch!” Aziraphale knew Crowley would sober up extremely quickly without a constant supply, so he turned the music off and left the both of them in painful silence. He took his seat on the floor next to Crowley, an action made redundant by the fact that Crowley shifted them to the bed. It was a lot more comfy.  
“Why are you here, Aziraphale?” There was an uncomfortable pause.  
“Are you saying I never should have come?” Crowley took his head in his hands, rubbing his face to try to rid himself of that awful feeling. Aziraphale noticed the bruise. That was the final straw. He sat up on the bed, so panicked his voice was higher than normal. He took Crowley's hand.  
“Why are you hurting yourself, Crowley? Why are you destroying yourself? Why aren't you talking to me? After everything in the car I- I thought we understood. Im scared again, Crowley. I... You know I love you. My love as an Angel is unconditional, Crowley. Talk to me.”

“I can still feel it.”  
“Feel what, Crowley?”  
“I can feel it on my fucking face, Aziraphale. I can taste the burning. I feel the fear all the fucking time. The bookshop, Aziraphale. It still follows me. It taunts me. It sets my shadow on fire, and all I can think is that it's my fucking fault. That I didnt-” Crowley's voice cracked.  
“That I didnt keep you safe.”

Aziraphale only knew the bookshop burnt down when Crowley told him in the café. He could never understand the panic that Crowley went through, but his heart ached. His empathy was stretched taut, and all he wanted to do was hug Crowley to the end of the known universe. As a vaguely intrusive compromise, he took both of his hands and hoisted himself on top of Crowley, a sort of cruel move that forced him to acknowledge and open up to Aziraphale.  
“Can you keep me safe drunk out of your mind babbling about our first kiss and almost puking on my immaculate and very stylish suit, Crowley? We need to face whatever you're going through together. Im here for you. You have me. We have eachother. You mustn't forget that. This is Our side, remember? Just like you said. Us against the world – and beyond.” Aziraphale panted, and frantically scanned Crowley's face to find a hint of acknowledgement. He saw something.

“Angel... Can I show you? Aziraphale furrowed his brows.  
“Show me what, dear?”  
“What it was like.. for me... in there.”  
“Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean-”  
“Please. I want to. I dont want to feel so fucking alone in this. There's nothing I want more than for you to understand.”  
“But what if-”  
“Baby. Please.” The petname made Aziraphale's heart flutter a little, and he knew Crowley was desperate. He obliged.  
Crowley let go of Aziraphale's hand and reached up to touch him. He remembered everything so vividly, it wasn't so hard for him to share the memory.

Suddenly, Aziraphale was stood in the middle of his own shop, a phantom, watching his collection burn to the ground. It was horrific. The true horror arrived in the form of Crowley, bursting in the room and screaming his name. God, this fucking hurt. He wanted to reach out.  
“SOMEBODY KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!”  
Aziraphale's heart skipped a beat. Not in the 'i've fallen in love and need help' way, but more the side effect of the total and utter heartbreak and terror that washed over him and engulfed him more than those flames ever could. He reached for his throat, it was hard to breathe watching the love of his life's soul shatter in front of him.

And in the next second, he was back in the room. He hadn't noticed, but Crowley had sat bolt upright during the ordeal, now panting himself, and Aziraphale had sunken into Crowley's legs, defeated by the torture he witnessed his love go through.

They stared at eachother for a small moment without uttering a word before Aziraphale flung himself at Crowley, squeezing him tighter than he ever thought he could. He kept muttering.  
“Oh Crowley. Crowley my precious baby. Oh Heavens I cannot say how sorry I am you had to go through that. I'm so sorry. I'm here now. I'm here Crowley. We'll never be apart like that ever again. Never, you understand?  
Crowley said and did very little except hug Aziraphale back, until he swung his legs back from under Aziraphale and pushed him onto the bed. Well, it was his turn to be on top.  
“You said you'd always be here for me, right? My unconditionally loving, beautiful, shining Angel, right?”  
“Of Course Crowley, I wouldn't say it if I intended to-  
“Stay here.”  
“Pardon?”  
“Stay with me, Aziraphale. Be with me. Atleast just for tonight. I need you. You... help me focus and remind me what i'm here for. Please...  
Normally Aziraphale quite enjoyed the alone time he had at the bookshop and Crowley's apartment dreadfully reminded him of the openness of Heaven, but he saw the pleading in Crowley's eyes.  
“Yes. Of course i'll stay. Anything you need. I'll be with you, my love. I can make us crepes. Truly scrumptious-  
Crowley grabbed Aziraphale's face and kissed him – for the second time. He was rather taken aback when Aziraphale took control and brought them both up, a lot more demanding and needy for the first time. He liked this Aziraphale. He tried something new.

“Oh, Heavens. No. No tongue. Nuh-uh.” Crowley pouted.  
“No Crowley. Its too... slimy.”  
“Hah. You fell in love with a snake and you're complaining about slimy?!”  
“Well, no I didnt fall in love with the- oh you know what?”  
Aziraphale pulled Crowley back in for the kiss. Crowley heard a rush of air and opened his eyes mid-makeout to find Aziraphale brandishing his wings (show off, he thought) and wrapping them around him. God, he could do this forever. He'd never felt Aziraphale so... hungry before. Well, Crowley couldn't brandish his own wings since he was now trapped in a coccoon of love, so he tried a different approach. He found the hem of Aziraphale's shirt, and reached his hands underneath. Aziraphale gasped.

“Heavens, well, that's... happening. Hm.”  
“N-no I understand, too fast, too fast. Its okay Angel.” Crowley fell backwards, stupidly forgetting the wings around him, and pulled Aziraphale back with him.  
“Oh for fuck sake this is turning into a disaster” They both couldn't help but laugh at eachother. To be honest, they'd been a disaster for a while now.  
Aziraphale rolled onto the other side and sighed after a few long moments.  
“I didnt like what I saw in your memory, Crowley.”  
“Huh, yeah. Me neither.” Aziraphale faced him.  
“I mean it. I felt the pain and terror in your voice. I understand why it's still hurting you. We will figure this out together. You're not wrong for feeling like this and for God's sake, it wasn't your fault.  
“Who was it?”  
“What?”  
“Who got to you before I could?”  
“.... That dastardly witch hunter.”

“Wait WHAT?” Crowley shot up. “You mean, noone from... up there?”  
“Oh Heavens no, no. He saw me speaking with one of my... superiors and thought I was a witch or something. Babbled on about tempting women – which I of course vehemently denied – and then he backed me into the summoning circle. Truly a stupid situation, if you ask me. I figured he just set the shop on fire to get rid of my witch-y ways.”  
“Why have you waited until now to tell me this?”  
“I... Dont really know, Crowley. I figured you knew more than you did. Im terribly sorry. No matter, if the memories are still haunting you, well i'll be damned, which I probably should be at this point, we will face it together. Its understandable how traumatic it must have been with very little context.”  
“Huh, yeah, well, you know...” Crowley leaned back again and sighed. He was honestly just too tired and drained to deal with the emotions of this right now. He might be angry in the morning.  
“Hey Angel, uh, you dont mind sleeping here do you?”  
“Well no, I told you earlier i'd stay.”  
“Even if i'm a snake?”  
“Sorry wh-”  
“It's just, I prefer drifting off as a snake. No not-snake brain... noise to get in the way. Thats how I slept for like 100 years that one time.” Aziraphale shifted. He was under the covers before he snapped himself undressed.  
“Yes, well, I suppose, if it makes you happy.” He felt something cold work it's way over his back. Really, Crowley? Already?  
“Oh, uh... Hello there friend” Aziraphale felt the forked tongue. He giggled a little.  
“Oooh, that tickles quite a lot. A bit less on the skin please.”  
Crowley's length worked its way around Aziraphale's body, wrapping him with as little tightness as he could, with his head rested firmly on Aziraphale's shoulder.  
“You know, I am a renowned mover in my sleep” He felt the forked tongue on his earlobe. Tickled.  
“Yes alright I get the message” He lightly patted Crowley's small head.  
“Sleep tight.”


	3. Shut Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On developing the unconditional love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this entire chapter is just body-conscious aziraphale.

Oh God, it's so... bright. I can't see a single thing. But I can feel it. I feel them watching me. Judging me. Damning me.  
“Hello Aziraphale.” No. No. There's nowhere for me to go. I can't see 2cm in front of me. The spotlight has found me and it's burning me alive.  
“Come to repent for being so useless? Imagine if you were actually competent. Well, no use imagining the impossible.” Of course I know that voice. Can Gabriel leave me alone for one second? I can't even defend myself. He's, well... right, I suppose.  
The light becomes significantly less blinding, replaced by the dreadful figures of Gabriel and Michael. Oh, brilliant. Heaven's own assholes.  
“I must say, the bond you've formed with that.... thing from Hell is almost admirable. Almost. Just a smidge.” Yeah, his proud little smirk definitely never gets old.  
“But, that does mean that we all hate you and want you dead. Of course.” They're circling me. They're trapping me. I can't go anywhere. I can't protect myself.  
“Why do you even exist anymore, Aziraphale?” I heard Uriel behind me.  
“You're as disgusting as the rest of them down there.” Michael on my left. Im covering my ears but they're still torturing me. Im close to the ground, hoping it will swallow me up, but there's no use. Nowhere I go is safe. Nowhere. They will always get to me. Oh, help me Crowley. Please help me. Save me. You're all I have, please make it stop. Please....

When Aziraphale opened his eyes, he was greeted very warmly by Crowley's snake-face around an inch from his. He saw the forked tongue reach out to his cheek, and saw the tear droplet spill a little from it. He went to quickly wipe his tears to save the embarrassment, and rolled to face the ceiling.

“I would say good morning Angel, but, it doesn't seem like you were having a good time.” Aziraphale was somewhat glad Crowley was back to normal now – his human-form company was warm and reassuring.  
“You wanna tell me what happened?”  
Aziraphale had a decision to make. He could not tell the love of his life that Gabriel and the other assholes in heaven still haunt his dreams and leave him with the anxiety of the unknown, or he could tell him and break Crowley's heart a little more. Honestly, after 6000 years, he was sort of tired of hiding everything from him anyway. Both of them admit they work best together.  
“You know, I dont actually sleep terribly often.”  
“Pfft, no idea how you live like that.” Crowley went to pour himself a drink, remembered the whole situation yesterday, and decided it was probably best not to right now.  
“... Theres a reason for it, Crowley.”  
“Oh, yeah, sorry... continue.”  
“You know, Gabriel and Michael and Uriel and all the others up there... they never treated me terribly nicely. Angels are superb at piercing passive-aggressive hatred.”  
“ You still think about them?”  
“Not.. Voluntarily” Aziraphale hadn't shifted his eyes from the bare ceiling. Something inside him was scared, frozen.  
“I... I dreamt that they surrounded me and they told me how worthless I am and how I should die and how im no better than any of you down there.” He said it in one long breath that Crowley almost missed, and it took Crowley a second to process all of the words and his response.  
“Angel, I... You know it was just a dream, right?  
“Yes of course I know it was just a dream, Crowley, but that's not the point.”  
“I know, I just, I want you to feel safe with me. Whatever happens in your dreams, that your favourite demon is here and ready to help.” Crowley offered the slightest smile and sat by Aziraphale to gently rub his back. He knows all too well how it can be when you feel trapped, alone, helpless, but now, neither of them have to be. Never again.

“You want to go somewhere? Distract yourself? Spot of lunch, if I may tempt you?”  
Crowley hadn't actually gotten dressed yet. He was wearing vaguely the same as he did when Aziraphale stripped him down, perhaps slightly different shades of black, and was opening his wardrobe to the same sight – various different shades of black. Aziraphale was a little amused by the sight, sure he wore vaguely the same colour too, but, well, his wardrobe just seemed so lifeless. 

“That sounds nice, actually.”  
But Aziraphale hadn't moved. Still tucked in tightly. Crowley turned slowly, a little bewildered.  
“You're... not gonna get very far still in there, Angel.”  
“Yes, Quite, well...”  
“Angel?”  
“Would you mind... leaving the room?”

You see, Aziraphale had never been the most confident Angel. Especially not in the presence of Gabriel, who would constantly poke at his stomach and remark at the lack of shape to his fellow Angel. Sure, Aziraphale never went on daily runs or anything like that but, well, he never needed to. He was quite content with the life he lead and there was simply no need to diverge – until Gabriel made it a sport to point out the flaws of him, masquerading his bullying as “kind motivations.” There was nothing kind about it. Crowley had never mentioned his body in a negative light, in fact, he can only remember Crowley complimenting a new addition to the suit or how the colours suit him. But, well, the damage had already been done. Aziraphale was sure Crowley didn't intend to invade him when he tried to explore under his shirt, and he pulled his stomach in reflexively, but, he still wasn't sure if he would accept him. Everyone knew Crowley was very conventionally attractive, perhaps not for all time periods but particularly for this one, and well, sometimes Aziraphale felt he was inferior. He wasn't as tall as Crowley, his cheeks bunched up when he smiled, and he was beginning to get more and more uncomfortable with his weight as Gabriel relented. The layers made sure he could hide what he wanted, but sometimes he'd catch a glimpse of his double chin in the reflection and delve a little deeper into the hatred. So when it came to this moment, perhaps the first time Crowley would see his body, he didn't know if he would be ready for the onslaught of panic and anxiety.

“Sorry, am I interrupting something, Angel? Is the sight of me that horrific?”  
“No.. No. It's not you Crowley. It's, well, about me. Im.... I dont know if I'm ready.”  
“Well, no, that's because you haven't moved from your position in the last-”  
“For you. Im not sure if i'm ready for you, to see me, well, disrobed.”  
Aziraphale watched as Crowley opened his mouth a little, almost to say something, furrowed his brows and blinked furiously, as if being told the most stupid idea in the world.  
“Angel, I, you're very clever in terms of book smart but when it comes to emotional intelligence...”  
“Are you telling me off for being self-conscious?” Crowley rushed to his side.  
“No, no, of course not, nonono. Im just trying to get you to see my side. Everything about you is beautiful, Angel, and you might not trust me because of my nature and I get that, but, i'm being serious. I've never once had any bad thought about your body. You know I haven't. I love you for you. Always have. This demon won't judge.”  
Aziraphale had yet another decision to make. He knew he would have to get comfortable with Crowley at some point, and there truly was no use in putting it off. But, as previously stated, he was still a little hesitant. He pondered.  
“Will you promise not to stare? And I mean, really promise?”  
“Yes Angel, it's rude to stare, I know that, everyone knows that. I wont stare, I might lovingly appreciate my wonderful angel's vulnerability and be really proud of him and be very attracted to him, but I wont staaaaare.” Aziraphale sighed. He still felt slightly frozen but, well, he wanted his Crowley to be proud of him, he wanted to be proud of himself, and this would be one of the steps in moving them forwards. Something to celebrate. No more hiding. Atleast, not from Crowley.  
He closed his eyes a little as he slowly removed the blanket, and stood up. He stretched, also instinctively stretching his wings, and waiting a second before opening his eyes. He looked at Crowley's legs first for a little while, and then finally made the move and made eye contact. All Crowley could do was smile so lovingly, as he actually felt his heart fill with happiness (imagine that?)

What Crowley saw was a succession of the most beautiful moments in his life. First seeing him on the bed, Crowley noticed the pearl-white hair on his chest formed a somewhat poetic eagle shape, rounding off perfectly below his neck. When he stood up to stretch, Crowley took in every inch – the way his skin pulled over his muscles when he stretched, the way he could see his back flexing, Aziraphale sort of instinctively pulling his stomach in – he didnt like that part. His wings were almost as beautiful as the rest of him. He smiled so wide. Of course this is what he fell in love with. Why did Aziraphale ever doubt himself?  
When Aziraphale finally made eye contact with him, Crowley was almost starstruck. His beautiful angel had bared it all to him, and it was perfect. Crowley scooted over on the bed to sitting below Aziraphale, and looked up at him.

“You're so beautiful, Aziraphale” The angel looked directly at his feet. Crowley took his forearms and ran his hands up and down them, eventually landing to his hands where he placed a delicate kiss on his left hand. He stood up and curled his arms around Aziraphale – skin on skin. As personal as they can possibly be.

“Well, now you can really feel my fat, Crowley.”  
“Angel? Shut up. Like, right now. Literally shut up. You aren't fat. You're my special Angel and i couldn't have picked a better one to love and fuck everything up with.”  
Aziraphale hadn't moved from his awkward standing position yet. He took his chance, now, to hold Crowley and feel the muscles in his back and the grooves around his shoulderblades. God, he was in love.  
And not-by-God, was Crowley absolutely in love with him too.  
“Don't really want to move, gonna be honest Angel.” Aziraphale chuckled.  
“You know Crowley, I dont have much interest for it either.You are the first person to ever accept me, truly, for who I am and the body I come in, and I cannot tell you how much this moment means to me right now.” Crowley flashed a that-was-adorable pout, and placed his arms under Aziraphale's, and they hugged eachother so intimately and with a new twinge of love and acceptance that Aziraphale smiled into Crowley's chest so hard his cheeks hurt. That reminded him.

“oh, Angel?”  
“Yes, Crowley?”  
“Dont ever be self-conscious of your cheeks. When you smile? Makes my demonic angry black heart want to burst. Its honestly just an inconvenience at this point.”  
Aziraphale just laughed. So this was unconditional love?


	4. Eternity Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dining- but not quite at the Ritz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some gay slur language and emotional-ness.

It had been Crowley who raised the idea of going out to eat, but Aziraphale had an additional idea.

“You know, we have been to the Ritz fairly often.” Crowley chuckled in agreement.  
“Why, thinking of shaking it up?”  
“Well I was thinking, how about a throwback? Do you remember Rules? 1798?”  
“Of course, I had a chat with Laurence Olivier in there. He should thank me for making Shakespeare popular, I basically made his career.” Crowley smirked.  
“Yes. Rather. Well, I was thinking – It would be quite funny to introduce the rest of our lives by dining in history.” Aziraphale chuckled – atleast it was humorous to him.  
“And, I hear they do excellent oysters and I think I do owe you from Rome, don't I?”  
“Oh yeah, when you wanted to tempt me. Very demonic of you.” Crowley winked.  
“You know I didn't mean it like that, Crowley. They wouldn't like you saying that.” Aziraphale's eyes fluttered upwards.  
“Are you seriously still worried about them? Come on, Angel. They don't give a fuck about us anymore – for the time being. Enjoy being a little more demonic. It's fun, take it from me. We have literally made out – on multiple occasions – and you're worried about your asshole buddies knowing you wanted to eat oysters with a demon. Come on.” Aziraphale looked slightly annoyed.  
“Fine, look, are we going to get going? I am positively ravenous.”  
“I suppose we shall.” Crowley planted a soft kiss on Aziraphale's cheek before leaving for the car. The angel smiled softly before quickly trailing behind – Crowley did walk awfully fast.

It was beautiful weather for the first time in many days – now the Antichrist rejected Satan, it seemed nature was out to celebrate. When Aziraphale took his first step outside, he smiled.

You see, as an Angel, Aziraphale obviously loved the entirety of God's creation, and would smile along as the other angels commented on the beauty of God-made summer and how everything seemed to come to place, as it should be. But something was never quite right for Aziraphale. Sure, every flower was beautiful, every singing bird, every scattering squirrel and each living thing that basked in the sun, but, well, it was a slightly different story for him. He never felt wholly a part of it all. He felt a little more exposed than he would like, no umbrella to hide under or darkness to shroud himself in. He was a being of light, and this made him feel like a fraud. He still lived in the worry of giving his sword away, still lived in fear that someone would find out his relationship with Crowley, someone would find HIM out, entirely. He stayed in his bookshop quite often on the most glorious summer days, and when he did have to go out, he would make sure to make little noise and little eye contact. Of course, When Crowley wanted to meet, he never voiced an ounce of concern and tried to embrace the warmth, the love of God, but, it never truly felt right. He was somewhat relieved when the rainy months embraced him. There was something wholly poetic about being outside, drenched, watching everyone run into the cover or cower under their umbrellas. Of course, many times Aziraphale would cower too on his bad days, but sometimes, he embraced the feeling of rain on his skin; He noticed on the rainy days, his mind drifted to reflection. There wouldn't be many people outside, and if there were, most were concerned with their own dryness. It wasn't a problem for him. He could pause, close his eyes, and breathe, and think. It was the only place he felt somewhat free. Under the clouds, the eyes of the stars closed, hiding and unable to follow him. 

So when he took the first breath of the fresh air, with the previous day on his shoulders, the sun on his skin offered its embrace, as it always did, but this time, he wasn't so hesitant to accept it. Someone accepted him. Loved him. As a being of love, it seemed ironic that Aziraphale struggled himself to love and be loved, but now it was so clear. He looked at the backdrop of trees, every swaying leaf, the birds making their nests, the squirrels finding their nuts, and finally felt a part of it all. He didn't have to worry about Above, allegedly, and Below had given him all he needed – Crowley.  
Crowley was already sat in the car by the time Aziraphale had stepped outside and paused, and had been doing some reflection of his own. 

Surprisingly, he had always loved the summer. As a natural serpent, he embraced the warmth of summer, as much as England could offer him, and metaphorically and occasionally physically would flex his scales in the presence of a particularly hot day – it was essentially therapeutic. He would chuckle when Aziraphale would question him, how demons should be 'cold, dark creatures of the night', and would constantly remind him of his origins. If he was particularly soothed by the sun, his scales would reflexively take over, but at least 50% of the time his Angel would be there to remind him that he is, in fact, in public.  
Of course, most of the other demons took particularly well to the dark, with Hell having the visibility of the heaviest fog, but that was exactly why Crowley rejected it. The cold silence never felt empty. There was always the feeling of a demon lurking somewhere, somehow. Hastur's ugly presence was always somewhere around Crowley, and he was cautious enough to take it into consideration every time the night fell.  
But there was also another aspect to it. He never meant to fall. He never wanted to be lumped in with these idiots and while being a demon was intrinsically fun and better than having to listen to the “ineffable plan” all the fucking time, he could never shake the fact that the fall wasn't his choice. The darkness reminded him of that. It reminded him of his love of humanity and human culture, how he ended up shunned for the smallest mistakes, and how he essentially lived the personification of a massive cock-up.  
But, just like Aziraphale, he felt different after these last few days. He wanted to embrace the lengthy emptiness of the dark with his Angel, noone around, just the world of those two colliding in an empty London park. He wanted to see the patterns of the stars that he never particularly cared for beforehand, and see them reflected in Aziraphale's eyes, and find the light that shone behind them.  
He was also scared that being alone with his Angel so vulnerable like that would trigger his... memories. He knew Aziraphale would try to take him back to the bookshop without thinking, and he would have to awkwardly explain. But, well, that was for a different day. He never knew when the memories would hit, so it was best not to focus on them. He tried to focus on Rules.

When Aziraphale finally got into the car, they both sat in silence for a little while, hoping the other one would speak up first.  
“I feel like that was definitely a thing. We definitely both felt a thing just then” Aziraphale relaxed a little as Crowley spoke first.  
“Yes I think we did. It was rather peculiar.” Aziraphale smiled softly and shifted awkwardly. Crowley started up the engine.  
“Crowley, please try to drive a little safer than your average recklessness. It terrifies me.” Aziraphale had already begun to brace himself. Crowley simply laughed and Queen began to blare.

~

When the two of them finally arrived and sat down, the history of the place sunk into them. The restaurant had been open for over 200 years, and it gave them the opportunity to reflect on the last 200 years of their own history.  
“Aziraphale?” He jumped slightly.  
“Yes, Crowley?”  
“Can we talk about our whole thing here? Our future and all of that stuff?”  
“Well I suppose it would be a good place. Yes, I think we should. Where, um, where do you want to start?”  
“Whatever you wanna talk about, Angel”

As they ordered their courses and cocktails, they ironed out their history and reflected on the hilarious times together, and the times where they had little fights for no reason. They talked about what they did in between the tiny glimpses of seeing each-other, enjoying each-other's company and basking in this newfound freedom to indulge one another. They could do this forever. 

“When did you, you know, start liking a demon?”  
“Is it bad that I can sort of pinpoint the moment?”  
“Oh no, do tell. I'm intrigued.”  
“Remember 1941?”  
“Ah yes. When I saved your precious little book collection.”  
“Yes, well, they were first editions and to lose them would truly be horrific. To see that you thought about that when I forgot, and all the little demonic miracles you do for me, well, I sort of... fell, if you want to call it that”. Crowley scoffed.  
“You really wanna use the word fell, Angel?”  
“It's metaphorical. Look, whatever, what about you then, Crowley?”  
“It was an over time thing.” Aziraphale narrowed his eyes.  
“I mean, you first impressed me when you gave away your flaming sword. That was bold. Then we have the little moment where you invited yourself to “tempt me” in Rome. I was very tempted.”  
Aziraphale averted his gaze.  
“So you could quite easily say since the beginning. I like a little rebellion. I think all of that built up to the moment where you gave me the holy water in the 60s. It clearly took a lot for Mr. Terrified-of-heaven to get that for me, and you looked so flustered. I feel like I understood us at that point.”

Aziraphale smiled. It was nice to know Crowley had atleast somewhat admired him since the beginning, but then it hit him.

“About the bookshop...”  
“Don't bring it up Angel.”  
“Well I was thinking, if you...”  
“Angel. Don't. Bring. It. Up.” Crowley's snake tongue offered a threatening hiss and Aziraphale retreated.

Now he really understood. If Crowley had liked him for that long, it was no wonder the incident at the bookshop broke him. He was actually a little shocked he kept it together so well.

“Crowley?”  
“What?” Crowley had grown a little frustrated that Aziraphale would even try to bring up the bookshop, knowing what he went through.  
“Are you okay?”  
“What do you mean? What kind of ques-” Aziraphale took his hand and lent in much closer.  
“I mean it Crowley. Are you truly, genuinely, okay? Don't lie to me.”

There was a painful pause.

Crowley took off his sunglasses and sighed. Aziraphale had been so open with him as of late, maybe he owed him the same? But fuck, it was hard. Crowley made sure both had a little food on their plate so they wouldn't be disturbed too much.  
“It's hard, you know?”  
“What is, my dear?” Aziraphale had never listened so intensely to every word before. He wanted his love to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable.  
“Well, being me. Being a demon. I have to keep up this exterior or... well.. Hell will just rip me to shreds”  
“But you don't have to worry about them for now, Crowley.”  
“Yes I know but it's not just some easy switch to turn off and pretend nothing happened all of a sudden, Aziraphale.” The angel expected Crowley to be somewhat touchy, and was prepared to take it.  
“I know. I know. I'm simply saying that we have each-other, and we can grow from one another and learn to trust each-other. I mean, It was rather arduous to open up to you earlier but by Heaven, I don't regret a thing.”  
“I thought I was never going to see you again. I don't have much else but you, Aziraphale. I don't have some fancy bookshop or something earthly to pass the time. I have my plants, sleep, and TV, but I mean there's not much else on the list. Yes it's sad, I know.” Aziraphale squeezed his hand a little tighter.  
“I'm not going anywhere, Crowley. We have this world to explore. And all the others. Remember you mentioned Alpha Centauri? We can go there wherever you like.”

What Aziraphale was not expecting was parts of Crowley's skin to prickle into scales as his head hung lower. He recoiled a little.  
“Sorry, Angel. Emotional reaction thingy. I get all snakey when I get emotional.” Aziraphale placed his hand back where it was.  
“I don't mind, Crowley. Both parts of you are wonderful to me.” He stroked the scales lightly with his thumb.  
“Yes, but we are in public, Angel.”  
“Yes, quite. Well, we've been here quite a long time anyway, it is getting dark, perhaps we should head off.”  
“You wanna finish your dessert?”  
“Crowley, you matter just a little more than my food to me right now.”  
“That's a shock.” Aziraphale rolled his eyes. This time, Crowley waited for Aziraphale to pay, and they left together. 

It was a short walk to the car, but both of them immediately noticed the somewhat drunken group headed toward them.  
“What a rambunctious gathering.”  
“Can we just get to the car, please?” They both swiftly walked toward the Bentley, but the group grew closer, and one boy bumped into Aziraphale.  
“Watch where you're going, faggot.” Aziraphale held his shoulder and looked down.  
“Do you want to repeat that?” Crowley was brewing.  
“I said, watch where you're going, you fagg-”  
The boy was cut short by Crowley launching at him. Aziraphale stumbled backwards and watched as Crowley shifted into serpent as he landed on the boy and started biting.  
“Crowley! What on earth are you doing! Calm down!” Aziraphale was trying to lift him off, to no use. Crowley was constricting.  
“Crowley don't ruin this!” The other boys ran off, and the victim on the floor was beginning to cry. Crowley hissed.  
“Crowley! He's just a boy! Stop it, please! This isn't the Crowley I love!” Crowley loosened at those words, and lifted to face the boy, hissing as aggressively as possible before slithering off, letting the boy sprint down the street. Back to normal form.

“What did you say to me?”  
“Why did you try to kill that boy, Crowley?! He's just a stupid human teenager, he didn't-”  
“HE WAS THREATENING YOU AND I COULD TELL-”  
Aziraphale was tearing up.  
“You could have scared him in a million other ways than that Crowley! Is this really you?”  
“Well if this isn't the Crowley you love, then you really don't love me at all, angel. Have you fucking forgotten who I am?”  
“Are you saying I don't love you at all because you tried to kill someone? I'm an ANGEL, Crowley! I don't really love murder and torture!”  
“He was-” 

This was the first time Aziraphale truly saw Crowley tear up. He'd heard him get to the edge with his voice cracks, but he'd never seen his demon cry, or even look like he was going to. It broke his heart.

“He was going to hurt you, Aziraphale. I couldn't..” Aziraphale watched as the first tear fell.  
“I couldn't let you get hurt. Not when...” The second. He couldn't take it. 

He pulled Crowley into a hug. He didn't care that they were practically in the middle of the road in the middle of the night. He felt the scales in Crowley's back, but he didn't care about that either. He barely felt Crowley breathe.  
“Crowley, my dear. You need to breathe. Especially when crying.”  
“O-One second.” Crowley snapped his fingers. Aziraphale thought he'd bring them back to Crowley's apartment, but to his utter shock, they were in the bookshop.  
“Crowley, are you sure you can be...”  
“Please just hold me.” Aziraphale sat them down and held Crowley impossibly close.  
“Of course, my dear.” Crowley let go. The tears. The pent-up insecurities of thousands of years. The fear of loss. The pain. It all came out and he could feel nothing but guilt that he was putting it all on Aziraphale now, seemingly out of nowhere.  
“I'm sorry, I, I'm sorry. I'm sorry”  
“Shhhhh dear, let it go. I'm here. Ill always be here. Eternity together.”  
Aziraphale didn't ask why Crowley brought them here, he just kept holding. Just kept holding.


End file.
